Be Less Stupid, Featured, Geniuspalooza, Sex, The Latest — March 20, 2014 at 5:27 PM

12 Things No One Will Tell You. Not Even The Smartest Person You Know.

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Here now, 12 things no one will tell you. Not even the smartest person you know. That is, until now. You’re welcome!

1. What If I Need To Eat A Banana Right. This. Second?

 

banana

The fastest way to ripen a banana is to put it in a paper bag overnight. Bananas ripen thanks to something called ethylene gas, which bananas also produce. By containing the gas emitted by several bananas simultaneously, the entire batch will ripen more quickly. A method that doesn’t work? Shooting the bananas with a shotgun.

2. I’m walkin’ here. Well, at least I’m trying to.

learning-to-cross

Pushing the cross walk button is pointless. It’s likely not even hooked up to anything. Lights change at crosswalks based on a preprogrammed pattern — not the whims of pedestrians. The only thing pushing the walk button will do is increase your likelihood of carpet tunnel syndrome.

3. It’s not so much the smell… Actually, it is the smell.

Cow_female_black_white

Natural fertilizer — not synthetic — will make your plants grow more quickly and healthier.

4. Shut up. Shut up! Shut The F*ck up!! Of course I love you.

snore while sleeping

The reason you sleep through your own snoring is that the part of your brain that would detect the sound is getting rest, as well. In some cases, you also might not hear the snoring if you are black out drunk.

5. Walking & chewing gum doesn’t count.

multitasking

When you multi-task, you do the two or three things you are simultaneously doing much less proficiently than if you had done them separately. For the most part, the brain can only focus on one thing at a time. Don’t believe me? Turn on your TV. Loudly. Put on CNN. While staring at the screen, try and say the alphabet backwards. Anyway — In Hollywood, a person who does several things simultaneously and is oblivious to how poorly they are doing it — that person is called “your agent.” Everywhere else in the world, that person is known as “your partner.”

6. What do you mean ‘what am I doing in the shower?” How did YOU get here?

Shower

The reason you forget if you washed your hair while taking a shower is that because washing your hair is a deeply ingrained habit, your brain performs the task on autopilot, so you can use your brain for something else at that moment. So, since you’re not paying attention to it, your brain doesn’t feel the need to remember it.

7. Please don’t send Japan ALL your money, OK?

traffic

Unless you are regularly driving your hybrid car below 30 miles an hour in stop and go traffic, you are overpaying for a car so people will think you’re saving gas, money and the environment, even though you are not. Over 30mph (or so), a hybrid car runs entirely on its gas engine.

8. It’s nothing like having filet mignon instead of a burger.

gaspump_octane

Putting high-octane gas into your car — to give it a “treat” — is the equivalent of setting a pile of money on fire. Unless you are driving an expensive, high-performance vehicle, regular octane is more than sufficient.

9. It turns out size doesn’t matter.

Screen Shot 2013-07-19 at 11.34.33 AM

You can not poke a baby in the head if you have sex with your pregnant partner, no matter how large your penis is. Sorry, fellas. HOWEVER, you can jostle the amniotic sac — which holds the growing baby — if the shaft of your penis nudges against the cervix. However, this “jostling” is no different from the jostling the baby receives if the mother exercises.

10. I don’t care where my seat is, as long as it comes with a parachute.

AirplaneSeats

The safest place to sit on an airplane — the place where you want to be in the event of an accident or crash — is in the back of the plane. Meaning, those seats behind the wing. According to the National Safety Council, airplane crashes in which there were survivors, 69% were sitting in the back.

11. “I am not drunk!”, the man said to the officer, as he reached for the cop’s gun.

Drunk

Drinking hot coffee or taking a cold shower will not sober you up more quickly. HOWEVER — recent studies have suggested that exercise maybe… possibly… perhaps… could sober you up a little because the vigorous activity can help metabolize the alcohol in your system more quickly.

12.  It’s not the sex that gets you. It’s all the time spent trying to buy it.

Fighter

Sex before a fight will NOT diminish your fight skills or energy. Because there is testosterone in semen, some people think that diminishing testosterone levels will result in being less strong. In reality, the amount of testosterone lost through ejaculation is basically equivalent to the spilling of one drop from a Big Gulp.

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